Are you in a long-term relationship that involves cohabitating with one or more other human beings? Do you aspire to be in this kind of relationship, and possibly even avoid dying alone? Cool. Do you have a dishwasher? Because friend, you’re gonna need it.
There are only a couple of good reasons for an adult to wash dishes by hand in 2015.
There is, of course, the cost of a dishwasher in dollars and in kitchen space, or the premium a landlord can charge for a dwelling that contains one of these basically mandatory modern miracles.
Perhaps you simply don’t have room to install a full-sized dishwasher in your kitchen. Have you considered a countertop model? They’re compact, and they hook up to your faucet with no plumbing or complicated installation required. They cost between $200 and $300, which, although expensive, is much less expensive than a divorce.
You may also want to wash dishes by hand if washing dishes is your hobby, an activity you prefer to: reading a book, going outside, ultimate frisbee, masturbation, drinking beer with friends, petting a dog, or the television series Orphan Black.
But aside from these valid excuses, why are you torturing yourself? Is there some perverse sense of pride in doing things the hard way, pitting your pruney hands and the scratchy side of a sponge against the final stubborn cornflake that has somehow superglued itself to the bowl? Do you give a silent cheer when the last fork is clean and you can finally live your sad, dishwasherless life?
Fuck that. The person you’re futilely trying to stay in a relationship with was ready to go to happy hour 45 minutes ago, and they’re wondering why you didn’t just start the dishwasher, and can they leave without you because everyone from work is already there okay Jay I’m going just meet me at the bar whenever you’re ready
But I digress.
Look, if you’re even thinking about getting married, saving up for a ring—stop that. You’re not ready, manual scrub. You should be saving up for a dishwasher first.
[Photo of the rest of your fleeting time here on Earth via Shutterstock]