Hey, America, what's in your cup? If it isn't arsenic, let's talk about cocktails, which are tastier and livelier than poison. As the old saying goes, "I've been drinkin' / I've been drinkin'."

Just like sandwiches, methods of ice cream-making, and ratio of sweatpants to citizens, libations vary according to the region you're drinking them in. It's not all Bud Lite and cosmopolitans everywhere you go. Local flavor contributes a lot.

Thinking of a trip to Lake Erie or a drive down Tampa Bay way? Don't leave the house without a few silver dollars, a pocket full of Chex Mix, and an empty drinking cup to be filled up with mystery, excitement, and a little brew from your neighbor's fount.

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Here's what you have to look forward to.

The Philly Martini

  • Vodka (any kind)
  • Jar of olives, who cares where you get it
  1. Put some vodka in a glass.
  2. Put some olive juice in there, too.
  3. Capisce?

The Upper West Side Poor Door

  • 1 Budweiser can
  • 1 bottle Cristal
  1. Shotgun the Budweiser under the Manhattan Bridge.
  2. Purge.
  3. Sip Cristal in the lobby of the Plaza.

The Boston Strangler

Sponsored

  • 1 can Narragansett
  • 1 clam
  1. Crack open the can.
  2. Stuff clam inside by any means necessary.

Tampa Toothache

  • 1 liter RC Cola
  • The entire liquor cabinet

  1. Mix it all together in a bucket.

Salt Lake Sister Wives

  • Water
  • 3 shots moonshine
  • Salt
  1. Hide somewhere alone in the barn attic. Make sure you're really hidden and Ma isn't looking for you. Erase your tracks as you walk from the main complex to the barn.
  2. Take one shot.
  3. Chase with water.
  4. Repeat.
  5. Eat fistfuls of salt until the moonshine scent vanishes.

ASU Game Day

  • Tequila
  • Vodka
  • Whiskey
  • Gin
  • Beer
  • Kool Aid
  1. Shots
  2. Shots
  3. Shots
  4. Shots
  5. Shotgun
  6. Ooohhh yeah.

The Denver High Life

  • Weed
  • A cold beer, don't worry too much about it
  • Steve Miller Band's "Fly Like An Eagle" comin' through on the hi-fi
  1. Smoke, man.
  2. Drink that cold one, man.
  3. You got it. No problems here.

The Silicon Valley

  • *Updates iPhone 5C to iOS 8*
  • "I'll have what she's having"

The Great Chicago Fire of 1871

  • Whiskey
  • Lighter
  • Renters' insurance
  1. Pour whiskey into a shot glass.
  2. Ignite.
  3. Better hurry and take that shot.
  4. Now, the time is now.
  5. Why are you delaying . . . just take it . . . it's burning . . .
  6. Oh my god what have you done
  7. You have renters' insurance, right?

Delaware Dessert Wine

  • ????????
  • Soggy bread

1. No sales tax.

Pittsburgh Powerhouse

  • 1 can IC Light
  • Bottle Heinz ketchup
  • Primanti Bros fries
  1. Rim the can of IC Light with ketchup.
  2. Eat some fries.
  3. Pound beer.

Georgia Red Clay Drink

  • Mud
  • Bourbon
  1. "Put bourbon in mud and serve it on the ground." —Instructions from Gawker News Editor Taylor Berman

Hollywood Squares

  • Sugar Free Red Bull
  • Vodka
  • Drugs
  • Do you have Uber on your phone
  1. Ingest ingestibles.
  2. Repeat all night, you're a star.
  3. Call a cab!
  4. Check your bank account real quick.

[Illustration by Tara Jacoby]

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