The New York Timesnot a fitness organization—has released an "update" to its popular "7-minute workout," which was popular because of humanity's inherent laziness. Would you like a 7-minute workout that is actually worth something, rather than nothing? Fine then.

"Hey," you're already objecting, "I like the 7-minute workout! I did it! I have felt its remarkably mild burn!" Sure, no wonder you like it. People have always been drawn to "something for nothing" schemes. The 7-minute workout might as well be called Dr. Gretchen Reynolds' Amazing Patented Fitness Elixir and Hair Tonic for all of its magical thinking. Yes, a 7-minute workout is better than no workout. But not very much better.

The original 7-minute workout only gives you seven precious minutes to work out, yet squanders some of that time on "Triceps dip on chair." That is all I need to know to tell me that workout was designed not to get you in shape but to make you "feel good" about having done something.

Feeling good is not what working out is about.

I will tell you the truth and no bullshit: You have to work out to get a workout. Seven minutes is not a very long time to work out. If the New York Times wasn't making BEAUCOUP BUC$$$$$$$ off of this "brand" of exercise propaganda, they would have "updated" it to a 45-minute workout which is actually worth a shit. Instead they just added some weights to it, so now you are doing a gently weighted version of this ridiculous assortment of unnecessarily-combined movements like "Lateral lunge to overhead triceps extension," a made-up movement that should not be in your workout unless your workout is being performed at gunpoint, and Gretchen Reynolds of the New York Times is holding the gun. It's still just seven minutes.

I have no idea why you only want to work out for seven minutes. My guess would be because you don't want to get in shape. But sure, fine, I'll play along with your dirty game. I'm not getting paid any extra here. I only tell facts and what is real and not what can get me a book deal from an awful "self improvement" publisher (publishers, email me). If you want to work out for only seven minutes, here are seven better workouts than any of the garbage you will find in a popular newspaper I could name:


- Do burpees for seven minutes as fast as you can. Do not stop.

- Do as many heavy deadlifts as you can. Take a 20-second break. Do as many as you can again. Continue for seven minutes.

- Do air squats as long as you can until your leg freezes and you topple to the ground. Then get in pushup position and do as many pushups as you can until seven minutes have passed.

- Go find an open field. Sprint from one end to the other at top speed. Then turn around and sprint back at top speed. Continue for seven minutes.

- Jump up as high as you possibly can into the air. Come down. Jump back up. Do this as many times as you can in seven minutes.

- Go find the highest flight of stairs you can. Run up it as fast as you can. At the top, do 15 pushups. Run back down. Repeat for seven minutes.

- Do as many pullups as you can until you fall off the bar. Then immediately do as many pushups as you can. Then immediately do as many squats as you can. Repeat this cycle for seven minutes. Die.

The shorter it is the harder it has to be.


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