Pizza is killing your kids.
THAT is the somewhat sensationalized—but not inaccurate!—conclusion of a distinguished team of scientists who have published a new analysis of the garbage that kids these days are eating, probably as a result of bad parenting. These trained scientists named PIZZA PIE as one of the biggest culprits behind childhood obesity. Your insistence on allowing your children to consume fat and salt-laden "Stuft Crust" and other forms of pizza is directly contributing to America's rapid evolution into a nation that cannot cobble together enough physically fit young men to fight a decent foreign war of conquest. From the LA Times:
On any given day, 22% of kids between the ages of 6 and 19 eat pizza. (That compares to 14% of toddlers and 13% of Americans overall.) ... On days when pizza is eaten, it composes 22% of children's calories and 26% of teens' calories, the researchers found.
These scientific warriors for nutrition recommend that pizza itself become a "target" of a crusade aimed at your children, and their swaying guts. Beware.
Left unaddressed by the scientists was the question of how pizza consumption and the war upon it might differ within "The Pizza Belt," the Jersey-to-Rhode Island swath of territory in which, Gawker editor Max Read argues, the only "good" pizza in America is produced. It remains unclear how Gawker editor Max Read's contention that most pizza produced in the rest of the U.S. is subpar food for idiots (and, fittingly, for children) might affect this new science-based "War on Pizza, and You As a Parent."
Questions on the assertion that most American parents are bad parents not only for feeding their children pizza, but for feeding them bad pizza, are best addressed to Gawker editor Max Read, at Max@Gawker.com.