Here’s a riddle: How can a pocket be empty and still have something in it? The answer is that it can have a hole in it. Got you there. Unlike this riddle, what I’m about to suggest is not a brain bender. It’s jalapeño and pineapple pizza, simply an incredible pizza for you.

It’s spicy. It’s sweet. Impossible to beat.
It’s vegetarian. It’s tasty. Eat it and be hasty.
Jalapeño and pineapple pizza.
-Kelly Conaboy

Something crazy always happens when I suggest ordering jalapeño and pineapple pizza with friends: no one wants to order it, because they think it sounds bad. Insane. It happened just yesterday, with coworkers:

This confuses me in the same way opposition to basil on an egg sandwich does. These are two great tastes that, in your mind, you can imagine together, and, in your mind, simply by using recall and the power of your imagination, you can tell will be great. Yum, jalapeño and pineapple on a pizza. Spicy, sweet, and satisfying.

Beyond that, it isn’t as though jalapeño and pineapple as a flavor combination isn’t a “thing” already:

Etc., etc. Google goes on and on. Jalapeño and pineapple recipe after jalapeño and pineapple recipe. Don’t believe me? Google it yourself, then, I dare you.

Afraid?

That’s what I thought. You’ll just have to believe me, then. “Jalapeño and pineapple” is a good, relatively simple flavor combination, and the pizza ingredients are usually available if you’re ordering from a pizza place. So why not put it on a pizza?

I’ve had years to go over the possibilities in my mind, and the only reason I can imagine that one might not want to order “jalapeño and pineapple pizza” from a pizza place, barring any sort of food allergy or dietary restriction, is:

  • Cowardice

That’s not a real pizza, you’re thinking. The boys at the pizza place are going to think I’m crazy—jalapeño and pineapple? What if they don’t even have jalapeño? What if they get my Seamless order and think I’m some sort of jalapeño and pineapple weirdo? No. I’m going to order pepperoni and be safe.

You idiot. You fucking coward.

ORDER IT!!!!!!!!

(Or make it yourself.)

Look, the combination even shows up in a few images found through a Google Image search:

Some of them have ham on them, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.

So, what? What’s your problem? Don’t like spicy foods? Grow up, then, if you don’t like spicy foods.

Really, I envy you. You still have in your future the experience of trying jalapeño and pineapple pizza for the first time. I remember the first time I had jalapeño and pineapple pizza. It was over five years ago, on January 17th, 2010. I remember this because I tweeted about it:

Yes. It was a success.

Try it.


Image via Flickr, art by Kelly. Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.