Another twelve months of Prime membership just flew right the hell by. What'd I do with it? How did I augment my life with two-day shipping? Can "things" make you "happier"? Nothing a little retrospection can't answer.

The print I put inside this frame (by the phenomenal Beth Hoeckel) hasn't fallen off my wall or flown, in the manner of a frisbee, out my bedroom window. For those reasons, I give it a perfect five star rating. Also it says it was $0.00, which doesn't seem possible, but who knows. Bezos!

I lost this lil' fuckin' thing so fast I'm not sure whether I ever owned it.

I'm so fucking naive. I had this fantasy, this DREAM VISION in my head that I was going to discard my laptop—the screen is broken—forever, instead turning my iPad into a sort of "improvised laptop." I'd use a detachable keyboard and this little easel stand, folding them up when necessary, stowing them away while traveling, allowing me to be full mobile, sleek, light, and lethal. Full spectrum dominance. I'd be the talk of the coffee shop circuit—Who was that guy? He's using a bluetooth keyboard with his iPad? Is he... available? Not for a date, but to BAPTIZE MY INFANT BABY. Sorry, lady, I've got things to write, but you'll never know where I'm going to write them, because my workstation fits in a fucking manilla envelope.

Well anyway these things work fine but they mostly sit unused in my apartment, because the one time I tried them out "in the wild" (hacker term) in San Francisco, I looked like an obnoxious turd even by San Francisco standards, which are high when it comes to turds. 8/10 for functionality, 0/10 for not looking like a turd.

I guess I'll just keep losing and buying these things until I fucking die, 10/10

Come on, Sam, come on 2/10

This gum has a nice initial chew-feel, but the flavor is a little... antiseptic? What ever happened to PEPPERMINTS that taste like PEPPERMINT? I handed most of these out to coworkers in a grossly transparent charm campaign, and it reaped me nothing. 3/10

Not sure what to say about this, 9/10

Looks cool, charges your mobile. I lost this and I don't know how. 2/10

A++++++ WOULD LOSE AGAIN

Teenage me asks: Future self, what does it mean to be a man?

Terrible Adult Me Replies, Backwards Through a Time Tunnel: SOMEDAY LITTLE FOOL YOU WILL DEEM IT NECESSARY TO BUY DEODORANT, A LITTLE BAG, A COMBINATION LOCK, AND A TINY TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE ALL ON ONE DAY, THROUGH A COMPUTER. NOW GO STUDY YOUR FRENCH.

OH COOL I LOST THIS THE VERY NEXT MONTH. FUCK THIS 0/10

Need to charge your iPhone? This cable works great, and looks sleek in black. Eight out of eight possible "cool" points

Freud theorized that a subconscious "death drive" complemented the pleasure principle, compelling us to buy inexpensive iPhone cables until we strangle ourselves with them.

This pepper mill is OK but too much pepper always leaks out of the bottom somehow. And yet I keep using it, so that's on me. B-

Sure, sure... 7/10

These haven't become toxic and stinky at the same rate as everything else in my apartment, so I give them a Thumbs Up. Although, I will say, that memory foam doesn't dry out as quickly as its non-foam alternatives... And do we really want anything (or anyone) to "remember" our feet?

Hahahahah, I think I lost this the day I got it, never used once, 10/10

Hello, sweetheart. I love you, sweetheart. 1000/100

Yeah it's fine 10/10

My roommate wanted this so I bought it and he paid me back. I'm not sure why we did it like that... seems like an unnecessary arrangement. We met in high school in 2001 (shortly before you-know-what) so maybe things have always been a little off with us.

I named this cord Jefferson 10/10

If you're going to buy a bunch of knives and then not really use them because you mostly cook noodles, they might as well be in every color of the rainbow. Sharp as hell, 9/10

I was so, so excited to wear these to various galas and pop-up stores, but my feet won't fit into them. Tried to give them to Hamilton Nolan (RIP) but even his feet were too big, and the idea of figuring out Amazon's return system gives me really bad anxiety. 0/10

Guess I thought I was being cute here C-

I had to glue something, and no one at work had any glue, so I bought this glue. The shit I glued is still stuck together. A+

ugh