I swear to god if I hear another person talk about how perfectly robust and oaky their merlot is I’m gonna scream!!!!!

I’ve never been a person who enjoys alcohol. Okay now stop laughing and let me explain. Not too long ago I was not-enjoying a glass of wine when someone informed me it was “corked.” Makes sense, it really sucked! But what did I know? Nothing, clearly.

See I think the effect of drinking alcohol is great. It makes me good at dancing (I think) and helps me enjoy things I hate, like networking and mandatory work events.

But real talk: drinking liquor is a disgusting experience that one suffers through anyway because of the lovely after effect—much like taking cough medicine or exercising. So in effect, “good” liquors are merely variations that taste slightly less repugnant than the “bad” ones. (Except maybe beer, but that’s not what we’re here to talk about.)

So what’s a gal with no palate and a fear of rail alcohol to do? Mask that bitter taste with some delicious summer accoutrements, of course! I’ve put quite a lot of thought into this—here’s the best: it’s called a Gold Rush and it fucking rocks.

Your New Favorite Drink: Gold Rush

Do you like sweet tea? Great!!!!!!!! Do you like sweet tea that gets you drunk? Drink a fucking Gold Rush!!!!!!!

Here’s how, via Foodrepublic.com:

Ingredients:

2 ounces Four Roses bourbon

3/4 ounce fresh squeezed lemon juice

3/4 ounce honey syrup

Directions:

1. Combine ingredients into a shaker and shake vigorously for 15 seconds.

2. Pour into a rocks glass over ice. No garnish necessary.

Bonus New Favorite Drink: Tequila with Triple Sec, Lime Juice and Seltzer

I don’t know what it is about tequila man, but I really like it, except for the fact that it tastes like a college dorm room full of regret. You know what makes it taste like summer? Triple sec, lime juice and seltzer.

And yes, this is basically a fizzy margarita but it’s refreshing as hell (via Bonappetite.com):

For one drink

1 1/2 oz. tequila (100% agave a must, preferably a “reposado”)

1 1/2 oz. triple sec or Cointreau

1 to 1 1/4 oz. of lime juice

(+ Bluestone pro tip: 1 1/2 oz. seltzer)

Salt for the rim of the glass

Shake all the ingredients with cracked ice in a cocktail shaker until the exterior frosts. Strain into a glass over rocks, or “up” into a cocktail glass. A slice of lime as a garnish, while not strictly necessary, is a civilized touch.

Whatever, Man, You Got Anything Else?: Vodka Watermelon

Buy a watermelon. Make a hole in the watermelon. Pour your most odious vodka inside—really, if there was ever a time to polish off that bottle of Everclear some asshole brought to your housewarming party, THIS IS THAT TIME. Now add basil or rosemary if you’re fancy, do your best Harry Nilsson and drink-that-bad-boy-up. Take a cab home, you’re very drunk!

[images via Flickr/Shutterstock/Shutterstock]


If you’ve already prepared a pitcher of these drinks and you have access a rooftop, contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com